When I took the decision to leave service, I was advised by a senior of mine who was already out of service to answer one question to myself: WHY? What you will do and how you will do it can be worked out later, but the "WHY" has to be very clear as this would be the foundation on which the entire building of second innings would stand. As I have started penning down my thoughts, I am still serving and am on the verge of leaving service in a couple of weeks from now. I thought that when the mind is fresh with the memories of whatever it is going through, it would be better to pen it down. These would then be the memoirs which could be read some day in leisure when I have actually hung my boots from work.
Well, service is the place where I think I can rightly say, I had a second birth after leaving the safety of home, parents etc. I still remember distinctly why I joined service, it would be surprising and annoying to some, if I said that I really did not want to join the military service at all.
So let me take you back to where this whole story started for me. Well, it was 1989 and I had stayed my entire school life in a one-horse town called Bareilly in U.P. and I was on the cross roads where I had to decide which road to take to move my life forward. What were my major drivers/ motivations then?
(a) Fear of joining the Bareilly college B.SC and therefore not being a professionally educated guy. Well, that was the impression then that if you are worth your salt, you should get through some professional entrance exam and join IIT/Roorkee/ MNR in that order of preference for an Engineer or AIIMS/CPMT/ AFMC in that order for Medical. CA was the third option which was easy to get in but difficult to complete. These were the three broad options available for a "professional" person. All the unprofessional people went to normal colleges for BSc or B.A etc. This was fed into us right from our 9th/10th standard, so I actually took up Brilliant tutorials and Agarwal classes immediately after my 10th standard, as I had decided to become an Engineer( as I considered myself as very good in maths, so the natural choice was Engineering). I did not have a clue as to what an Engineer does or is supposed to do, nothing at all. But I was good at maths and physics so Engineering had to be the choice.
(b) Lack of funds and connections. I was well aware of my father's occupation as a lower/middle level management of a factory and his lack of any social network. He never used to talk much, just go to office, finish his work and come back, no socialising , no bad habits of drinking, gambling etc. and so therefore no network. Today, we understand the meaning of "network" as "networth", but alas in those days, my dad was dead against all these things. So there was tremendous pressure to just somehow get into some engineering college through clearing a professional entrance examination, thereby removing the burden of responsibility from father's head.
With this background of fears in mind, I prepared relentlessly for the entrance examinations. I remember that I never used to study for my boards, my only focus was on IIT entrance examination. There were a bunch of my class mates with whom I used to try and solve all tough and tricky problems of YG File (Young Genius File) of Brilliant Tutorials. With all this preparation, came the time for the real exams, and in the first entrance test of Roorkee, there was a screening test, which I flunked as I was extremely nervous and my fingers were trembling when the paper came. My mind went blank and coupled with the time pressure, I just couldn't answer any question straight. So there goes one college out of the box. Next exam was IIT, I was very confident in Maths and Physics. Inorganic Chemistry was a killer for me as too much of cramming was required there. Physics paper was a debacle, I started solving the first problem and misunderstood a simple question to be an extremely complex one and landed up filling up four pages deriving some obscene Applied Mechanics equations in an electromagnetic induction question. Even the invigilator was astounded and after 30 minutes, told me that the question was not so complex. By this time, I had lost a lot of time and I landed up botching up the entire paper in nervousness. I kicked myself hard that day and cried. My maths and chemistry paper went off very well and I was sure I would score more than 80 % in maths paper. But my Physics would take me down. The third exam I gave was MNR ( Motilal Nehru Regional Engineering College) which was actually meant for all RECs in India for UP quota. I did this exam well and got into the merit list. I selected B,Architecture at MREC Jaipur and joined there. In between , one of my friends had advised me about a Naval Engineering Course for which the requirement was to have at least 70% in PCM in 12th standard. I had 84.5 % in ISCE board which was considered very good in Bareilly those days. I was easily in the top 10-15% of my school/ colony. So I bought employment news and applied for this course. I got a call letter for the SSB interview scheduled at Bhopal. This was my first long distance journey alone. The main point here is I was not interested in "Navy" at all, only "Engineering" and the major attraction for me was that it was a fully paid course if selected, that means I have actually removed the burden from my father's shoulder. So with this in mind, I boarded the train to Bhopal one day earlier than scheduled, because there were rains and the train was being re-routed through a longer route. Once I boarded the train, the announcement came that the route was cleared and that the train will take it's original route. So I landed up at the SSB centre 24 hrs prior the appointment date. My train co-pasenger was a military PBOR( Person Below Officer Rank) who was travelling with his son and taking him for the same SSB interview. This young guy was studying some Maths/Chemistry book and I was seriously puzzled. Basically he also was as lost or maybe more lost than me as I had absolutely no idea what was going to happen in the SSB. All I was told by my cousins was that they would make me do some physical tests and all. Thanks to this PBOR guy who knew people there in the centre, we were put up along with some jawans in their accommodation. I had military food with the jawans in their standard issue type plates in their mess. I slept in their dormitory. There were was one JCO who was also preparing for SSB, who actually briefed us on what was going to happen from the next day onwards. I think he was a GOD-sent for me. There is something called a Psychological Assessment done in which they show you vague pictures and ask you to write small stories based on what you see. So this guy explained, " Sir, just try and remember every Hindi Movie that you have seen till now and try and correlate it to the scene being shown." Because in those days, in every Hindi movie, hero always wins, villain always dies, good over evil all the time. This would indicate a positive bent of mind of the candidate. Bang on , man! This guy was a genius.
As luck would have it , next day morning, I had high fever and throat pain. I reported sick even before the interview started. I was given antibiotics and crocin tablets and I went and reported for the interview. I was the first guy and got "Chest Number" 1. Basically a BIB was given which was to be worn by us for all proceedings thereon for assessment. So I was the guinea pig for all the tests, as I had to start always, being No. 1 chest number. I don't think I fared well in any test because I was sick , I was physically weak and to an extent, nervous also. When I was asked in the final interview why I wanted to join, I blurted out honestly, that my father had no money to pay donations and no influence to get me through Engineering colleges, so I selected this as my best option. Well, I was truly honest and spoke my heart.Then the results were announced, out of 70 guys, about 10 were selected in my batch. I was one of them. I could not believe my ears as I knew I had not performed well at all. So this was my entry into military life. On the same day, the IIT results were declared and I could not see my number in the merit list. I was heartbroken as all my dreams were shattered. But God is kind.. One door closes and another window opens.
There was a minor problem though. I did not clear my medicals and I was declared temporarily unfit as I had too much of wax in my ears and also had some problem of weak binocular vision. With this I was supposed to get myself cleared on both these counts in any Military Hospital and I would be good to go. The course was starting in November. This was the month of May/Jun. By this time, I had to decide about joining MREC Jaipur and since I did not want to leave the bird in hand, I joined the college. A great experience which I would remember throughout my life. MREC Jaipur was notorious for its tough ragging. I had my relatives as the Principal of the college and the Anti Ragging Squad Head. But somehow, I was too loyal to my seniors. I took all of it in good spirit and after finishing three months of tough ragging and just before the Fresher's party, I got this call letter from Indian Navy. I had gone on leave and got my ear wax removed and got some eye exercises to improve my binocular vision and got it tested at MH Bareilly and completed the formalities. All my seniors at MREC were very happy and gave me a farewell party wishing me all the best, saying that Navy is much better than MREC as in that year, the fourth year Engineering students were repeating one year due to lack of attendance.
Thus the journey began with six months of Naval Orientation Course at Naval Academy, INS Mandovi, Goa. The Naval Academy is actually meant for the cadets who join as Executive Officers, for us "techies" as we were called, we only spent the initial six months there and then had to go to INS Shivaji and join the Naval College of Engineering to do our B.Tech Course in Engineering. Or at least that is what we thought and it was in line with my aspirations. So I decided that after six months of all this navy orientation, we would get to some serious business of engineering at the Naval College of Engineering. We were also called the "Naval Engineering Course" and we were the sixth batch. So in Goa, we were baptised by taking a "crew-cut" haircut and then following strict routine from morning 0500 hrs to night 2200 hrs. Yes we got used to seeing time like this rather than say 5 a.m and 10 p.m.. Part of the military baptising process. We got a welcome letter from our seniors at Naval College of Engineering giving us an insight into life at Lonavala. The letter stated the beauty of Lonavala and the various waterfalls, disco nights at "fariyas" hotel. We were advised to get a lot of jeans and T-shirts and music systems/ walkmans as they would be required for the parties and jam sessions. We were all very excited and eager to get out of the Naval Academy and quickly join the Naval College of Engineering. This whole thing was a cruel drama being played by our seniors. We were in for a rude shock when we reached Lonavala. Naval academy was a honeymoon compared to what we were about to face here. It was brutal.. It was raining incessantly, seniors did not bother, all were punished for a reason or no reason at all, punishment was compulsory. We were reporting all night running across rivulets/ streams to other buildings, some seniors were busy making us roll and do push ups behind bushes. It was normal to see many of us haunching, rolling, crocodile jumps etc. etc. at any time of the day, but definitely in the night. Then we were secured only to write impossible impositions, but not allowed to switch on any light. SO we had to hide in the bathrooms, put covering over lights and write the imposition. Soon itr was time to fall in for Morning PT and we would be searching for clean dresses and shoes as most of them would have got soiled previous night. We were also supposed to wash our rigs also ourselves. One week and I was feeling like a Prisoner of War. I had not joined for this, I wanted to be an Engineer, I only saw the first class lecturer and the last class lecturer, in between , I used to be in my dreams( fast asleep). I was utterly shocked at what I was going through, this was just too much, much more than the three moths ragging that I considered tough. I manage to sneak in a letter to my mom saying that I wanted to quit as I did not feel comfortable at all with what was going on here. I received a reply from my Mother which said: "Son, You have joined the defence forces, there are 69 other cadets just like you who are also undergoing what you are undergoing. If they can take it, so can you,. So have a heart and stick on, you will be proud as an officer one day." When I read that letter, I made my resolve to stick on and face whatever comes my way with a smile. So I am deeply indebted to my mother to have given me the necessary courage at the right time in my life. Navy and it's training was excellent and it gave me a new birth. I used to be an academic geek who used to fall sick every two weeks and the amount of antibiotics that this body of mine has fed on till I finished my school would have really benefited the medical industry greatly. However, after coming to Lonavala, for three years of my training period, I don't remember a single time when I got fever or had to take antibiotics. This is when I understood the power of the mind. An idle mind and body breeds diseases. If you keep both mind and body active and busy, illness cannot touch you. Especially at that mould-able age of 17/18 years, the body responded beautifully to the physical torture/ treatment we got in our junior terms. I could not run even 1 Km comfortable prior to joining the Navy, and In Lonavala, we used to run 12.5 kms every weekend, and almost 5k every day. That was the beginning of my running life.
Other than the physical aspect, Naval life also trained us to handle engineering responsibilities on board ships and submarines. I have been fortunate to have experienced both ship as well as submarines in my tenures in the Indian navy. The physical and mental conditioning during the training really helps as it sets the basic spirit in place required to handle situations at sea. "The harder you train in peace, the lesser you bleed in war" is a famous adage used in the Navy and the defence forces. Drawing an analogy , it could be said that "the harder you train, the lesser you suffer during your tenures". Every situation at sea is unique and mechanical engineering is truly practiced. The difference between merchant navy ships and warships is primarily the space available to carry out maintenance and defect rectification. Things can really become very difficult and complex, what seemed like a 10 minutes jobs could take hours because of one sheared bolt/ stud which is quite inaccessible. As a Lieutenant and a Lieutenant Commander, being at sea is the most satisfying as it provides you with all kinds of challenges and every time you return back after a sortie(sailing), your chest beams with pride and there is a feeling of achievement of "Mission accomplished".
As a commander, not everyone gets to go to sea due to lack of number of ships/ posts at sea for a technical commander. So there is a selection process or elimination process in which only about 25% of the commanders get to go to sea. Having been trained to be at sea and handle situations, this tenure is something that most officers look forward to. So when that doesn't happen , it is also a clear indication that the officer is not being considered for further promotions and "stagnation" stares in the face for the first time. There are many opportunities where I could work and continue to perform without expecting a promotion. But there is a problem here. We are talking of officers who have put in 17-18 years of service, are aged about 38 years old and have more than half of working life available. Can a man just continue for 15-20 years without any aspirations for growth / upgradation? How sick can that be? I cannot imagine myself not growing as a person and in my profession. There is so much to learn in this world and so much that one can do.
In service, when you do not get promoted, you also lose the authority of the rank to take certain decisions and influence the top management to do things the way you want it to be done. It becomes much more difficult because you are not in the 'race' anymore, so the probability of your voice being heard and acknowledged is much lower than your counterpart who has been promoted. Exceptions do exist but are rare. Moreover, service positions at the top are generally for 2-3 years only so the number of stakeholders you would have to influence to get your point across and get things done in your way will be far too many to handle and extremely complex as each person comes afresh with different experiences and expectations. Accountability in terms of cost and scope is almost absent as each person on the top is focussed on his next promotion and how the short duration of 2-3 years can be leveraged to get his promotion. While this method is good and converges well with system requirements for a pure operations role eg. on board a ship as Engineer officer etc., this can have serious and adverse effects on long term projects.
So while I am truly indebted to the Indian Navy for all that I have gained as a man and the leadership qualities which I learnt during the various tenures, at this juncture, it is important to part ways and look for a different field/ area to grow. Selection of a pseudo-service DRDO billet or a Public Sector Unit would also not be a good choice as it would be economically less rewarding and also not be exciting enough as the domain would be a comfort zone and not be challenging enough.This is the most common exit path chosen by fellow officers because of the stability and job-security that it offers. I believe that security and stability are words that take you into a comfort zone which inhibits you from performing upto your true abilities. So while there is an attraction/ pull towards the comfort zone, it would make sense at this juncture to cut away the umbilical and take a plunge into the seething oceans of opportunity. The rough weather and rolling & pitching will teach its own lessons of survival and one is sure to home onto another comfort zone sooner or later, but at a different level. At each stage, one has to take this step of cutting away and moving on till one reaches retirement and once again, you perform the cutting away, but this time it would be for good things in life which would entail giving back to society and the universe, maybe by teaching or other philanthropic methodologies whichever is suited at that point in time. But "stagnation" is never a choice in life for me, is what I feel at this point in time. I intend utilising my energies to its maximum in whatever way I feel it can be utilised to its maximum and will deliver the best of results in whatever tasks I undertake.
So the "WHY" for leaving service can be answered as:-
(a) Provide myself with a challenging environment to stimulate my inner strength by delivering the goods/ rather the best.
(b) Free to start own business/ enterprise while working with a Private firm. Ethically also it would not breach any norms.
(c) Economically more viable to leave after pensionable service and join a private company so that you draw the advantage of a full salary from the company as well as the Government pension. In case of a government service, the pension component gets reduced to half and not permitted to do own business.
The period after deciding to leave and putting in papers for retirement till the retirement date is an extremely challenging phase because you are taking a plunge from a stale well into a seething and ever churning ocean with very high sea states. This will tend to unnerve a little bit and there are these cycles of thoughts full of anxiety and uncertainty, but as the BhagwadGita says, it is important to observe these thoughts and vanquish them with belief and certainty such that positivity spreads. Truly, I have found this phase very exciting and have learnt a lot about myself. There have been good days and some very bad days, and the good and bad have been actually my state of mind and nothing to do with the day. So whenever, I used to feel low, I made it a point to observe and think the opposite immediately so that positivity gets filled up. Anyway, I am enjoying this phase immensely and trying to figure out the kind of job that would be exciting enough for me. I am getting exposed to different areas of business like supply chain management, private shipyards, shipping companies, start up entrepreneurs, coaching classes etc.. I have also made a lot of friends through my second passion or what I call the oxygen of my life i.e. running. I have a group in Pune as well as in Mumbai and have friends in both these groups. It is fun to run and especially in a group. My course mates don't know me as a runner, I used to be mediocre in my cadets time in sports and was far away from athletics/ running. Today, I am considered a decent pace runner ( generally in the first 20 %) in my running groups. I am indebted to Indian navy for having gifted this to me. I will cherish my memories of service throughout my life. I intend continuing oxygenating myself till I leave this face of earth, and continue to search for my calling from within. I shall keep hovering and homing on targets till I find the correct target and then again move on.. so this is going to be my second life of introspection and discovery. Let us see where it takes me... God is Kind and Life is Exciting and cool...
